Writing is supposed to be a great creative outlet. Right now, I am crying, not just any cry but the biggest, ugliest, snot nose cry you can imagine. Not sure when I last balled like this but I am told this is perfectly normal in the grief process.
The holidays are hard. Harder than I thought. Even though I was with my family, there was still one member of my family that was missing. Nothing can ever replace that. I’ve been taking a bunch of pictures. One of the first thoughts that came to mind after my brother passed, was that we never took pictures together. Well, at least not as adults.
I bought a mirrorless camera, a camcorder, and a new iMac. Now, i’m obsessed with taking photos, especially of my family. Even if they don’t want to have their picture taken, I just capture it. I want to remember their faces. I want to see their expressions, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to capture every moment. When you lose someone, you can’t capture those moments anymore. Every moment is now a memory. I need more than memories. I need pictures. I am aware that this is the way I am dealing with grief.
Since my brother passed, I’ve been going to therapy, participating in a couple of grief therapy groups, and also helping out with charities. No matter what I do to be proactive with my grief, the sadness is always there. In fact, I actually find helping people to have the opposite effect. When you help others heal, you take away from the energy needed to heal yourself. At the end of the day, no one can help you. Your ability to heal comes from within.
As much as I want to be here for you all. I just can’t. I had to deactivate my Facebook temporarily because of the insane amount of streaming videos and content. It has been making me sad. I see entire happy families, sad abandoned animals, drama, and people complaining. I am more empathetic now than I have ever been. I can feel your sadness and discontent. I can feel your happiness. I can feel your love. Then I am reminded that a part of my family is missing.
Yes, Im still on instagram. I need to let people know I am alive and proactive. It’s easier to stream one simple picture at a time. People are less dramatic on IG. Thank god!
Okay, time to get ready to celebrate the new year. Don’t worry about me. I will be okay. I will leave you with this super awesome crying pic of my niece. The photo reflects my current mood.
Good bye 2016. In the words of Rihanna, “but it’s over now.”
With all my love